through the day
by tatty ted
Summary: She swallows away the emotion, forces a smile and says out loud that she's okay but the reality couldn't be more different. / Facing her biggest challenge yet Rachel must learn to lean on those around her. - —Rachel, six small drabbles.
1. i — the attack

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**through the day  
**_tell me that you need me, tell me._

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From the minute Rachel set eyes on Marion there was a hint of _something_, not that she could put her finger on it of course. There was something bothering her, a woman angry, depressed and withdrawn, a woman experiencing all those emotions definitely didn't feel right.

"I can only apologise for the time you've had to wait," she tells her as she walks back into the cubicle, "you've been very patient."

"I'm used to it, waiting."

"The Doctor's seen your x-rays and you have broken a couple of bones in your hand. So we're going to have to get you over the plaster room, if that's okay? Only after the consultants seen you."

"Consultant!" She should've noticed by the chance of personality when Marian threw the bag and called her a bitch. She should've known it wasn't going to be as plain sailing as she hoped. As she bends down to help retrieve the contents of the bag, Marian breaks the silence;

"You hurt me!" She answers only for Rachel to answer back, "I didn't mean too."

"Are they photographs of your family?" Rachel smiles softly before she finds a picture on the floor. She bends down to pick it up before recognising one of the woman on the photograph. She was positive she'd seen her before, the girl taken to theatre earlier.

Before she even had chance to question it, Marian knocked her off her feet, hitting her over and over with her handbag. She knew, Rachel knew about the woman in the photograph been the same person as earlier.

She screams, never for a moment believing she'd be hurt. Of course it was part of the job, there was always a chance of violence in Nursing; it was one of those jobs where you weren't always protected. She just never believed it would happen to her of course, she thought she'd know how to defuse the situation if it escalated into violence.

It all happens too quickly for her to do anything. Before she realises, she's no longer on her own and she's just staring into space, trying to get over the shock of been attacked. Kate's gently cleaning her up but she doesn't really communicate to her, not until Mike kneels down in front of her and asks her what happened.

She explains that it was all her fault, how she found the photograph and connected the dots and how Marian just flipped, like she'd been possessed by the devil. She warns them to be careful before snapping at Kate when she tells her they know what they're doing. She thought she knew what _she_ was doing when it came to her, she thought she'd be okay but she wasn't, she doesn't think she'd ever be okay again.

She goes home and once again stares into space, only this time she really is alone with her thoughts and her doubts about her capability of a nurse. She doesn't sleep because every time she closes her eyes she's reminded of her attack and she wonders if she'll ever get over it.

She spends that night and the night after that, playing with the thread on her bed sheet becoming convinced that she won't ever find her confidence to get over this. Her confidence was gone and she wasn't sure if it was going to come back, the fear was stuck in her heart now.

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	2. ii — back to work

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**CHAPTER TWO**.  
_the feeling isn't the same_

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Rachel goes back to work after three days, her colleagues believe she should've had longer ("charlie said a week") but a week wasn't going to change anything. A week wasn't going to give her back the confidence she lost or stop her doubts about how much of a good Nurse she was. She'd just spend the week staring into space like she'd been doing for three days straight.

At first she's worried about going back to work, to enter A&E. She stands outside for a couple of minutes, fiddling with her fingers, trying to steady her breathing all whilst trying to ignoring the voice inside her head that told her she was crap.

She snaps at everyone who even dares to ask if she's okay. She's fine, (fine, fine) it was a silly little accident with a highly strung patient and there was nothing more to it. She desperately wants to believe it herself but she doesn't because Rachel knows there's more too it — more than she'd like to admit.

She finds herself staring into space when she's home, once again fiddling with the thread on the bed sheet. Alone with the darkness and her thoughts for company.

Rachel keeps up the act for a further day or so until it cracks slightly. A patient grabs her arm and for a second — she's back there, in that cubicle with Marian and the punches raining down on her. She almost screams before she realises she has to do this one on her own, with the small amount of confidence she has left.

She tells him firmly to let go off her arm but he keeps a tight hold on it, causing Rachel to take a deep breath because it's beginning to hurt her. She eventually pulls her arm away, rubbing her wrist gently knowing she'll have a bruise or two there in a few hours.

She knows she can't return back to that cubicle, with him because he reminds her too much of Marian so she swaps with Adam. Yet she's aware of the looks and the whispers that she's not entirely over what happened that day, no matter how many times she smiles and pretends she's okay.

Rachel's just more convinced after that, that she'll never regain that shattered part of her confidence back, the small fragile part that made her the nurse she was.

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	3. iii — beginning to heal

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**CHAPTER THREE**.  
_baby I've got a confession._

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The day after is a lot better and Rachel dares to believe this is it — she _may_ just gain her confidence back.

She's scared but not _as_ scared as she was but it happens again, an attack to shake her up and break her again — which isn't at all difficult when she's extremely fragile. She's pushed over and she picks herself up again, shaking her arm making sure nothing's broken.

Charlie watches her walk away, pretending that nothing's happened. He catches up with her and catches her staring into the distance, probably wondering why it had to happen to her. He walks towards her and asks, "Are you okay?"

"Fine," she smiles.

"Rachel," he begins but she cuts him off firmly, "I'm fine Charlie."

The more times she says she's fine out loud, the more she hopes she'll believe it. Though it doesn't seem to work because she still feels fragile and broken and scared. Plus she's lost control over her life and that wasn't like Rachel at all, she was _always_ in control, no matter what.

She goes home again, to an empty house and stares into the distance only this time's the house isn't empty and she isn't alone. He insisted she shouldn't be alone, just in case she decided to do "something" stupid, (not that she would, she isn't that sort of person)

Rachel finds herself in the kitchen, stood by the kettle waiting for it to boil. The steam causes condensation on the wall and there's an increasingly awkward silence between the two. She doesn't know what to say without admitting the truth. That she's still scared and grateful not to be alone tonight.

She makes them both a cup of tea once the kettle has boiled, the click of the spoon against the side of the mug breaking the silence.

"There you go," she hands him one of the mugs before heading into the living room. He follows behind her and as she sits, Charlie comes to the conclusion that she wasn't going to admit to anything. He swallows hard, "Rachel, you know you can talk to anyone right?"

"Yes," she smiles but the smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. They're still dark and tired through lack of sleep and fear, "honestly Charlie, I'm fine."

It's that word again "fine". Her defence mechanism. Her reason for still been in control consists of that one word "fine" though it doesn't work, not really. She isn't fine and therefore she isn't in control of her life, her feelings and emotions. And that scares her because she's always been in control, always.

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	4. iv — crash and burn

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**CHAPTER FOUR**.  
_everything I've been doing_

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She completely breaks down when there's violence in A&E. She doesn't even pretend that she's okay anymore because the truth is, she isn't. She locks herself away in the bathroom, sits on the cold tiled floor and hugs her knees.

She's scared, more scared than she'd like to admit. Fear tightening inside her heart, breaking her completely and shattering every piece of confidence she'd regained in the last couple of weeks.

Rachel's aware she isn't alone in the ladies toilets and she doesn't want to draw attention to herself so bites her lower lip gently. She hears Kate ask if she's okay and she answers that she is, she's okay. She bit her lower lip when Kate says her name, knowing that she couldn't get out of this one.

"Rachel, what's wrong? Come on open the door."

Rachel unlocks the door and pulls it towards her, staring at Kate. She knows she has to talk about it at some point, she can't avoid the subject forever. She walks to the sink and splashes cold water on her face, trying to rid the evidence that she'd been crying.

Kate hands her some tissue paper and she smiles gently, "thanks."

"You pride yourself on been able to deal with whatever comes along and then—something like that happen and—it wrecks your entire life because you get so angry and then everything seems so," she pauses for a second, "like this afternoon, the noise and the violence, I couldn't handle it."

She bursts into tears again like earlier, "so I came and locked myself in here, can you believe it?"

"Have you seen anyone about all of this?"

Rachel shakes her head, "erm—no, I was offered counselling after it happened but—I thought I was coping, I've got no idea."

"But you are going to go and see someone know aren't you?"

"Yeah I'll have too won't I?"

"Yeah think you are," Kate smiles warmly and it makes Rachel appreciate her more, the listening ear she's just given. She smiles back warmly and hugs Kate whilst whispering thank you. It was nice to have that one person you could rely on when you were completely lost and broken and not too sure you could pick yourself back up again.

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	5. v — beanbags and inner self

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**CHAPTER FIVE**  
_its not worth the drama_

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Rachel often wonders why therapy rooms are two shades of yellow, or rather yellow in general. Yellow is a happy colour, a bright colour and if you need therapy, you're not exactly happy are you? She crosses one leg over the other as she waits, fiddling with her fingers.

She knew after her breakdown in the toilets at work that she needed help, a breakdown that could've been avoided had she just asked for help in the first place. It wasn't easy though, to ask for help and for people to discover she wasn't as strong as she tried to be.

She swallows hard when the lady calls her name, hesitating slightly but knowing she'd never really get better unless she went. Unless she went in there and admitted her vulnerability, she would never regain that confidence and would always be scared and angry about everything life threw in her direction.

They sit in a room that is painted both white and yellow with bean bags in the corner. The silence between the two is slightly awkward because now Rachel's in the room, she isn't sure she wants to admit why she was so scared after Marian hit her, why it dented her confidence.

"So, how are you?"

The word "fine" almost automatically rolls off her tongue. Everything is "fine", "okay", not the truth that she's struggling to cope. Rachel smiles to herself, her own thoughts making her realise that she wasn't here to lie, she was here to face the truth no matter how difficult it was to face up too.

"I'm, I'm not okay." She thought if she was honest, if she said the words out loud that it would make her feel different. It didn't. Emotionally, she felt the same as she did when she lied, when she pretended that everything was "okay".

She comes out of that session, relieved to have somebody to talk too. Someone who just sits there and listens to tries to get her to talk about her emotions and why she feels that way. Rachel feels differently walking out of that session, she feels like a weight's been lifted off her shoulders, the same weight that was suffocating her and crushing her to pieces.

She knows she has a long way to go until she's "better" but this was the beginning. She knew she was going to get back the confidence she lost that day when Marian hit her, she was going to be fine. Just fine. Perfectly fine.

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	6. vi — one step forward

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**CHAPTER SIX**  
_you're trying to save me_

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Rachel doesn't need to pretend that she's fine when she isn't. It doesn't make her weak to admit that she breaks every now and then. It doesn't make her any less of a nurse if she spends one night staring into space, crying silently. She's learnt something in counselling, a small piece of something that showed her it was okay to admit you weren't okay.

She's no longer afraid of been afraid nor is she afraid of what's around the corner. Counselling's helped her realise that it's okay to admit that you're not entirely control of things (though if Rachel's truly honest, it's still hard to admit she can't control everything around her)

"Rachel, hey."

"Hello."

"How did it go?" She's silent for a second wondering how he knew. She wasn't sure if she wanted Mike to know she was attending counselling but she knew it was okay. He was just another person to support her through it.

"Sorry?"

He frowns as he swore Charlie mentioned in conversation this morning that Rachel had requested time off for counselling, "weren't you going to counselling today?"

"Yes and it went well."

"What was it, one to one?" She can't help but feel slightly uncomfortable about the choice of conversation they're having. Still, Rachel walks into his office and closes the door behind her. Making eye contact she smiles softly, "Yeah and we erm—talked about what happened and why I was so frightened."

"Look it's not a crime to be frightened."

"Yes well I know that now," there was a pause before she elaborated, "I'm just not very good at admitting that I'm not totally in control of things."

"Well I don't suppose your the first person to feel like that."

"How are you?"

"Me?"

"Are things sorted with your wife?"

"Well—" he's about to say something when Rachel cuts him off, apologising about asking about his wife. She realises it's a pretty insensitive thing to ask, seeing as he's still frightened of an empty house, something he said he'd never be scared off.

It's nice that they talk. Mike jokingly says he should be asking about her problems, not burdening her with his. It's nice to talk about something different for a change, something not to do with her or Marian or the confidence she lost that night.

In the end, she admits that counselling's working for her (she wishes she'd gone sooner) and that she's glad because she can finally put this behind her. She isn't afraid anymore, she isn't scared about the future or about encountering another patient like Marian. She isn't afraid because she knows if she's too lose control then that's okay, you don't need to be in control of everything in your life.

She's going to be fine, just fine.

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